


As long as I keep breath

by Kurooslefttoe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Help, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Oral Sex, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:16:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29434473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurooslefttoe/pseuds/Kurooslefttoe
Summary: The third time you see Kuroo Tetsurou is when you're standing on the edge of your balcony, ready to jump. He has an awful personality and at the best of times is a complete ass. But he's comforting in the strangest way possible. Both you and Kuroo share the desperation of unrequited love- kind of. Using each other, you come to realisations and open up to the darkest parts of yourselves. But, nothing is permanent, and you can't ever have anything the exact way you want. What's that old saying? If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was ...Took inspiration from scum's wish.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou & Reader, Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first work I've written so please feel free to tell me how I can improve. The first chapter is just a prologue that doesn't include any of the actual characters, but still read it because it ties in with the first chapter. BTW Lia, Jules and Julia are all the same character just with different nicknames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn't have any of the characters in it, but it ties in with the first chapter and adds to the overall story which is why i wrote it i guess. I promise Kuroo is in the next chapter.  
> BTW Lia, Jules and Julia are all the same character, just with different nicknames.

Tw// needles, blood (small amount), self-harm mentality, smoking.

* * *

“Holy fuCK, is it in?”

“Lol that’s what she said” Lia giggled. Her humour hasn’t changed since you had met her ten years ago. Well, it had, but that’s besides the point. The main line being that she always said the right thing to make you laugh away your pain. “Yeah, it’s all the way done, I’ve put the back on as well babe.”

“Thanks hun,” you pick up the hand mirror and look at your reddened ear, a new helix piercing glimmering in the yellow light radiating from the energy saving light bulbs Julia’s mum had installed earlier that year after getting her energy tracking meter. The small stream of blood trickling down the curves of your ear were not the centre of attention right now, not even the spot of red which bled through your baby blue sweatshirt. You were more focused on the pain and throbbing that was emanating from your ear. It felt good. Like. Really good. After feeling nothing for so long, you welcomed the pain. Reminder that you were still alive at least. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all. At least it fills the time.

“Do mine next yeah?” Lia said already opening a new needle without hearing your answer.

“Yeah, fine I guess so, get your ass over here bitch,” you already had her head in your lap, twisted sideways exposing her left ear, looking paler than her off white walls. You carefully place the needle to the middle of her upper helix, the same placement she had previously done to you, and watch the needle break through the thin layer of skin, cartilage, and capillaries in her upper ear. You don’t know if she made any noise, all you could focus on right now was the pooling of blood forming around the circumference of the needle.

“(y/n) … (y/n) … (Y/N)!”

“Oh, sorry Jules I’ll put the earring in now.” You place the sterling silver stud in the hollow needle and pull it through until it’s no longer in her ear. Carefully placing the butterfly clip on the back of the earring and making sure there’s enough space to let it move if it swells.

“Fucks sake that hurt way more that I thought it would.”

“I guess so, its probably because it’s not a large surface area so the pain is concentrated in one specific small place.”

“Don’t go all science-nerd on me now,” Lia shot you a blank look.

“Sorry”, you break her gaze, looking down at the needle between your index and thumb.

“It’s okay” Julia gets up off the bed, walks to her closet and pulls out her bag. She automatically starts rolling a cigarette, placing a second filter between her lips for a second one. “Want one?” she asks without even looking up and already licking the paper sealing it shut and holding out the mediocrely rolled cigarette to you between her index and middle finger.

You take it, placing the filter between your front teeth and shooting an open mouth smile at her. You take the white clipper lighter from the zip pocket in your bag and sit cross-legged in the middle of her bed by the open window. After she puts her bag back in her closet, she sits opposite you, mirroring your legs. You light your roll-up first before cupping your hand over hers and lighting it for her. The taste in your mouth burns, giving you memories to the first one you had. But the sensation doesn’t hurt anymore. If anything, it just numbs everything more. You both sit in silence, periodically blowing grey clouds out the window, ashing out onto the street below. You both have another and realise its time for you to go home as you see the streetlights turn on and the night sky get darker.

Walking home you touch your ear, feeling the grooves of the earring on your fingertips. The pain of the earring seemed to override the pain that you had at the start of the day when you showed up at Julia’s house in the morning. The pain that came from the argument you had with your mother this morning was no longer there. Just a numb feeling in your whole body and mind.

Focussing on the physical pain in your ear made the emotional pain feel less significant. You thought that this way you would be able to get through the next few years, just ignoring the emotional pain you felt by replacing it with physical pain. At least then you could justify the feeling of injury.


	2. piercings and promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.  
> \- Oskar Schindler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw// suicide attempt, over all just hella depressing stuff so read at your own discretion. There’s no smut in the first chapter as it feels wrong for the content but there’s some fluff so enjoy that I guess. The content I wrote is my personal experience, please don't invalidate your own feelings, I found it really difficult to put it into words and barely only scraped the surface of it so it's just a brief description.

You touch your ears with your left hand. Tracing down the 9 piercings you now have in your left ear, and the 12 you have in your right ear, you can’t even remember what it felt like to not have the weight of the earrings. The earrings you wore were stupidly special, the gold leaves you had in your firsts were your mothers, the gold sapphire and diamond hoops were the last things you bought with Jules before you left for university, the gold bar that ran through your industrial was the piercing you had done in Paris for your 16th birthday and it was the first one your mother approved of, for some reason. They meant something even if it was the smallest things. But after today the meanings would fade into the dirt just like everything else.

You took the matchbox from the round wicker coffee table next to the green plush armchair you were sitting cross-legged on, took out one match and struck it against the side of the box, lighting the cigarette that was limply hanging in your lips. Taking the filter between your ring and middle finger, you licked your thumb and index finger and put out the match, tossing it out over the balcony railing. Inhaling the smoke, the warming taste swirling around your throat, you thought about how this would be the last cigarette you will ever have. You started smoking because it reminded you of your dad and carried on because it then joined you to Lia. You watch the cigarette smoke rising from your right hand and dancing white ribbons against the grey and dark blue backdrop. The high-rise buildings with identical grey and black balconies jutting out unevenly throughout the street, staggering the last rays of sunset light over the concrete road below. The colder evening air began to flow into your room, gently lifting and twirling the sheer white curtains that hung on the doorway of your balcony.

Half of your cigarette was burned through already, and the ashes had fallen into the fold of your thigh and calf. You take it from your lips, blowing out the last of the smoke from your lungs and place the half-smoked cigarette on the grove of the ash tray that Bokuto had got you from a festival a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t know it was an ash tray obviously, to be honest it seemed too pretty to be, it was shaped like a cute-ass frog, but he won it for you because he said it would match your chair and plants. You look over at the wall above your bed to the right of the chair you’re sitting in, taking in the polaroids and photos from the past few years, the older ones have Jules and some other friends from high school, the more recent ones including Bokuto, Akaashi, Tsukishima and Kenma, a single one of you and Kuroo from the first week of university. There was some movie and plane tickets and a newspaper clipping from the day of the launch of Kenma's company, you hadn't seen him in over a month and yet it seemed better that way, even if you did think he was the boy you were closest to, it was better to keep him at a distance to hurt him less. Kuroo was supposedly best friends with Bokuto, yet you had ever seen him a total of 2 times. Given that you were around Bokuto nearly every day it didn’t really make sense in your mind. He seemed to occupy the last of your thoughts. You never did tell Bokuto how you felt about him. He reminded you of Jules- the somewhat magical ability to make me laugh away most of your worldly concerns, and you loved him more than you would allow yourself to admit. Oh well.

You take the bottle of scotch whiskey from the floor and empty the last of it into the crystal tumbler glass and swallow it down in one mouthful. You pick up the cigarette from the ash tray, taking one last drag before stubbing it out in the ash tray. The smoke burned your eyes slightly as you walked through the cloud. The cold hardwood floor giving a dull feeling to the soles of your feet. You adjusted the two gold necklaces from under your white high neck crop top so that the St. Christopher pendant was in the front. You pulled up the sage green shorts you were wearing and tied the string so they wouldn’t slip, they were actually Bokuto’s and they were his favourite pair, and also yours as you had wanted them since the first time you saw him wear them. He was never going to get them back. They were never going to get back the time wasted on you. You had selfishly wormed your way into their lives and made them waste breath on you.

_At least in death you can be selfish._

You make your way to the balcony railing and looked down onto the street below. There were barely any people, and the road markings were fading. Your placed one leg over the railing and hopped over, bringing the other one over as soon as the first one was in between the balcony balustrades. Facing your apartment one last time you can see the front door and the bag of clothes you had accumulated over the last 5 months that belonged to Tsukki, Akaashi and Bokuto. You turned round to face the street, the gentle breeze blowing your hair round your face. Goose bumps start to rise as the adrenaline kicks in, the alcohol making the moment feel ethereal. You close your eyes and stand on your tiptoes, picking your pinkies off the railing. You lean forward. Your ring fingers. Further. Your middle fingers-

“(Y/N)?”

Your fists clench against the rails and open your eyes. Turning your head to the left.

“I don’t really want to have to call the ambulance you know,” Kuroo grins, “Imagine calling the police and having to tell them that they have to clean up blood, guts, shit, and piss off the road. Hella embarrassing.”

You don’t say anything for a moment, slightly shocked at his sarcastic response and more shocked at the fact that Kuroo Tetsurou was living next door to you and yet this was the third time you were seeing him.

“You live next door to me?” your voice high pitched and uncontrolled.

“Since the start of the year sunshine,” Kuroo gave you a shit-eating smirk, placing a straight cigarette between his lips and reaching both hands into his front pockets to find a lighter.

_6 fucking months! He’s been next door for 6 goddamn months, and I didn’t realise up until the moment of my attempted suicide!_

The sunset was no longer orange and pink and lilac but instead had turned into dark cyan, red, and purple tones, but still the ember light illuminated his sharp featured face, his wet black hair softly curling in the wind, his bangs partially covering the left side of his forehead and eye. Nevertheless, his hazel eyes were fixated on you, while incredibly intimidating they still somehow gazed warmly upon your face. You hadn’t noticed before, but he was actually shirtless. He only had a navy damp towel around his neck and grey sweatpants on. He was wearing them really low on his hips so you could see the black band of his red underwear from the top of his pants. He was really beautiful.

You began to shake; you could feel the anxiety forming a lump in your throat and your stomach starting to turn. You drop your head down as your eyes began to water. You realised that you were so close and yet he took the chance away from you and for that,

you hated him.

“Hey, hey I was just joking (Y/N).” Kuroo pleaded. “Please can you get back behind the railing, please?”

“I can’t” you whispered, barely audible.

“Ah fuck,” Kuroo threw his cigarette into a jar full of water and blew out a grey mist, before jogging back inside his apartment.

You were just glad he was gone. You could get back to the task in hand. Everything around you began to get blurred and shaky, you could feel your palms start to clam up. The noise of the street and the faraway cars began to be droned out by the deafening silence, you could only hear the beat of your heart and it made you even more uncomfortable. You just wanted to scream and let go, have all this end.

 _It’s not worth it anymore, it really isn’t._

You felt two arms wrap around your arms and waist, lifting you over the balustrade, then one hand snakes down to pick you up by your legs, carrying you back into your room. You weren’t really sure of what had just happened, but the unfamiliar smell of Vanilla and white thyme mixed with the deep-set tobacco lowered your heart rate. You close your eyes and let yourself be enveloped by the feeling. You wrap your arms around his neck and bury your face in the crook of his neck, slightly wetting the shoulder of his burgundy hoodie with your tears. You felt fingertips intertwining your hair as Kuroo lay down on your bed with you basically on top of him. He pulled the patchwork blanket from the foot of the bed over the two of you and held you close as tears silently streamed down your face, slowly slipping into slumber.

***

You felt too hot. You turn over in your bed vigorously only to hear a loud crash coming from your room. You immediately sit up, confused and in shock.

“Ow fucking hell (Y/N),” Kuroo whines, lying flat on the floor rubbing his elbow above his torso. His hoodie had ridden up exposing his v-line and the bottom of his abs and hair was sticking up in a bed head and you felt your stomach drop as your mind filled with a single thought – _Holy fUck he’s so hot._

“Morning gorgeous” he shot you a beaming smile and sat up on the floor.

“Morning,” you replied staring at him in confusion. “How did you get in my place yesterday?”

“I took the key from under your pant pot” he seemed stupidly proud of himself for some reason. You glared back at before flopping back on your bed.

He got up from the floor and hovered over you for a second before taking the blanket off your legs, grabbing your ankles, and pulling you onto his lap so your legs were wrapped around his hips as he sat in the middle of your bed. Placing a stray strand of hair behind your ear, he cupped your face with his hands and tenderly wiped away the tear salt from the edges of your eyes. You couldn’t help but look at his features, even though one of his eyes was moderately hidden by his black bangs, the warm green and amber hues glowed like a candle flame. You couldn’t help but melt deeper into his embrace.

“Were you actually gonna do it?”

You flip back to reality. “Do what?”

“Jump.” You can feel Kuroo’s arms begin to tremble.

You place your hand on his forearm and lean into his chest, feeling his arms drop down to his sides. “Yeah” you say giving a breathy laugh afterwards.

“Why.” It wasn’t really a question it was more of a statement and you didn’t really know how to respond. Nobody had ever asked you that, you had always put on a happy façade and no one knew how you were truly feeling.

“Why” He repeated. You could tell by his voice that he was on the verge of tears. You wondered why someone who was barely an acquaintance with was so concerned with your wellbeing all of a sudden. It felt really awful, you hated the fact that you had to open up this vulnerable side of you, to show someone the ugly truth that you tried to hide so deeply.

“It doesn’t matter” you replied.

“It does.” His hand found its way to your chin, forcing you to look him in the eye. “You know how much Kou and Kaashi and Tsukki and Kenma need you don’t you?”

“It’s difficult to explain” you shift your glance to the corner of your room, the plant on the kitchen counter needs to be watered.

“I’ll listen.”

Your eyes fly back to Kuroo’s. For some reason, this boy stopped you yesterday. To spite him, to make him feel guilty, you felt that he should know the shit that he made you endure for an even longer time. You shuffle off his lap and take the blanket off your bed, wrapping it around your shoulders since the September mornings weren’t as warm as they used to be. You lean back onto the wall parallel to your bed, bringing your knees up to your chest and wrap your blanketed arms around yourself, and stare at the bookcase against wall in front of you. You feel Kuroo slip his legs under the bed covers and sit himself close to you so that your shoulders are touching.

“It’s like,” you begin, “it’s like being in love with someone for a really long time. Like 10, 15 years, you’re married, maybe have kids I dunno. But you’re happy and everything was great. Then, one day, one of you just wakes up and decides that they’re not in love with you anymore. And it just feels … empty. There’s not much you can do except accepting the fact you now have to live your life without this person and once they’re gone you understand just how similar life is without them. The way your day starts, and ends is the same with or without them by your side – so what’s the point of them in the first place. Life is just the same, no matter how you spend it you still die at the end, whether its illness or old age, accident or intentional, at the end of the day no one knows when we’re gonna wake up and it’s all gonna end. I want to decide, I want to leave before someone abandons me, death is the only time when you can be selfish.”

“Is that really how you feel?” Kuroo asks after a minute pondering in silence.

“I don’t really know, but that seemed like the easiest way to make you understand.” You shift the focus from the bookshelf to the small decorative bowl on top, the metallic rings and bracelets that lay in it reflected the morning light onto the ceiling.

“But don’t you love Bo?”

The question shocked you. Your eyes widened and you turned your head slowly to be met with piercing hazel eyes, intruding through your innermost thoughts. This was the third time you had seen this man and he somehow knew who you were in love with.

“Well yeah, but he doesn’t love me the way I want him to.” You look back to the bookshelf. “Those feelings are only there for Keiji. And while it hurts, I can’t hate him because he doesn’t deserve that”.

“So you would rather abandon him before he even has the chance to-“

“Yes.” You bluntly cut off his sentence, not wanting to hear the next words coming out of his mouth.

“So … you would be able to leave this earth never knowing if he could’ve been the one to save you from the emptiness that you feel.”

“Yes” You turn your head to look at Kuroo’s expression. His attention was elsewhere; he was focusing on outlining the edge of one of the squares on the blanket you had wrapped round your body. "The emptiness can't be filled by a one-sided love, it will only make it worse for me if I don't let him be by the side of the person who fills his life to the brim."

“Then,” his body seems to freeze in place, “if I promise to stay by your side, will you do the same for me?” he still doesn’t move.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I have someone I love, who I need to abandon. Just like you.” He looks up finally, glaring at your face. He seems angry but hurt at the same time. Before you know what you are doing, your hands finds it place on his jaw, caressing his bottom lip with your thumb. Kuroo slowly leans in, pressing your foreheads together, your hand traces down his trachea and along to the back of his neck as you lean in to softly place your lips on his. The gentle kiss surprised you, since this is the last thing you were expecting to be doing at 7:21am on a Sunday morning, with Kuroo Tetsurou of all people.

Kuroo’s hands grabbed your face rather abruptly, his fingers gently hitting the gold earrings in your ears. He placed another, longer, more sensual kiss on your lips. One of his hands slithered down to your waist and across your back, pulling you once again onto his lap. You threw both your arms round his nape, engulfing both of you in the warmth and safety of your blanket.

As you part your mouth to catch your breath you feel Kuroo’s tongue slip into your mouth. Tracing the outline of your tongue and filling the cavity of your mouth with his breath. His cold fingertips discovering the outline of your spine, sending shivers throughout your whole body as you tightened the embrace on his neck.

“I promise if you do,” he breaks away from your lips, a thin strand of saliva still bridging you together.

“Pinkie promise,” you hold out your pinkie, waiting for him to copy your gesture.

“Pinkie promise,” he gives you a shaky laugh and intertwines your little fingers together. You weren’t quite sure what you had just promised him, nor how he was in a similar situation to you but feeling the presence of someone so close to you without you being uncomfortable was something that was so rare that you didn’t even question it.

With that, he once again locks your lips together and pushes you down onto your bed. Your legs wrapping around his waist and the weight of his body between your legs leaving you breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god now that thats over, and ive finished a bottle of vodka, i can either wallow in my own self-hatred or continue writing.  
> leeeettt's see if the alcohol takes me down the depressive or horny route. becuase the next chapter will be a reflection of that so stay tuned.


	3. what the rain couldn't wash away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how many relationships we seem to have, we're all alone.  
> \- Mei Misaki (Another)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopping into the uver javer and driving the highway to hell at 130 mph uwu. i had to do laps bc i couldn't with myself like what thE FUCK. ughh i HATE MYSELF . i can't deal with myself. i need another bottle of vodka becuase there shouldn't be a reason that i am able to write this shit half-sober.

The rain seemed like it had come out of nowhere. Sitting in your Tuesday morning class you stare out the large glass panes which stretch across the entirety of the west wall of the lecture theatre. You stare down at your bare legs, exposed in a brown satin slip dress, regretting all your life choices as you know that your legs will be purple by the time you reach your door. The bell rings, signifying the end of the lesson. You slip your arms through the sleeves of your black zip-up hoodie and place your pencil case and the notebook you weren’t taking notes on back into your grey corduroy shoulder bag.

Walking down the stairway towards the entrance you see him standing before the doorway. Kuroo, sporting a pair of straight faded black jeans and a navy sweatshirt, his thumb traces the screen of his phone which he holds in his hand, two silver band rings on his middle and pinkie finger. As you approach him his gaze doesn’t leave his screen.

“Get out the way you’re blocking the door with that lanky body of yours” you give him a scolding look. Crossing your arms.

“Would you rather have Bo’s fat, juicy, voluptuous dump truck blocking your way?” he gives you a smirk and looks down on your face in a condescending manner. You just leave your mouth hanging open because in all honesty – what the fuck are you supposed to say to that.

“Are you jealous that Bokuto has a nicer ass than you” Akaashi appears outside the door holding an umbrella, Bokuto holding onto his arm trying to keep his face calm at the remark that just came out of Akaashi’s mouth.

At that Kuroo puts his phone in his pocket and stares blankly at Akaashi, face devoid of any emotion at all. The next words that came out his mouth were going to be burned into your memory for the rest of eternity. “Yes, I am. It fills my nightmares and is the sole topic of my therapist appointments.”

“You don’t see a therapist” Akaashi replied in an equally blank monotonous voice.

“Well I might have to start, this is a massive weight burning on my chest.”

You couldn’t do anything but look back and forth as the conversation continued, Bokuto looking equally as confused and not having the faintest clue how his backside had started this train of talking.

“Why are you here anyways, neither of you had class this morning.” You finally interrupt.

Akaashi turns his attention to you, looking somewhat rejoiced that you saved him from the dribble coming out of Kuroo’s mouth. “Tsukishima texted me to bring Kuroo an umbrella because there was a 100% chance that he had forgotten his.” Bokuto grinned widely and nodded his head in excitement. His childlike reactions made your stomach feel warm and you couldn’t help but smile.

“Kei knows me way too well I guess” your eyes glide to Kuroo’s face, which is failing to suppress a smile, his eyes brightened at the sound of Tsukki’s name.

_That was it, that’s who he needs to abandon._

“Thank you Akaashi, you saved us” you walk over to take the umbrella that he was holding out in Kuroo’s direction.

“Us?” both Bokuto and Akaashi say in unison.

“Well yeah he’s going to share it with me, aren’t you dickhead” you elbow him in the ribs. He lets out a small growl before nodding his head like a good boy.

“Oh so its like _that_ ” Bokuto says winking at both you and Kuroo and giving you a thumbs up with the hand that wasn’t holding onto Akaashi’s forearm.

You and Kuroo shoot each other a disgusted look before turning away and making vomiting motions, causing Akaashi to giggle.

“No, we just live next door is all.” You answered to Bokuto’s insinuation. Your mind faintly flicked back to the scene of Kuroo on top of you, kissing you, on Sunday. But you weren’t quite sure what he meant that day so you thought it better to just ignore it and move on like nothing happened.

You tug Kuroo by the straps of his backpack and walk to the door. Once at the threshold you open the umbrella Akaashi gave you and hold it higher than your head to let Kuroo fit underneath.

“I’ll see you at your game on Wednesday Bokuto”, you wave and flash him a smile as you walk past them.

“I’ll see you there (y/n)!” he called out behind you.

***

The rain echoed on the plastic umbrella. You and Kuroo hadn’t spoken a word since leaving the university campus almost 20 minutes ago. But you longed to fill the silence that found a way to wedge between you and the man walking beside you.

“It’s Tsukki isn’t it. He’s your Bokuto” you regretted the words as soon as they left your lips.

His footsteps stopped. He was standing in the rain. Brow furrowed, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Yeah.” For some unknown reason this made your stomach drop. You walk back towards him, shielding him from the rain once more, the toes of your Doc Martens touching his white high-top converse.

“But why, who is he in love with that stops you from being with him?”

“Me. He’s in love with me” Kuroo replied. You look up at him, still not meeting his eyes, in utter disbelief and confusion.

“How- What- what the fuck Kuroo”

“I can’t let myself love him.” The sad statement made you realise that Kuroo was fucked up in more ways than one, deep beneath the cocky, shit-eating smirk he wore.

“Why not.”

“It doesn’t matter” he pushed past you walking forward, getting drenched by the heavy rain falling onto the atmosphere.

“That’s not fair.” You spat it through your teeth. This man, the wretched son-of-a-bitch who stopped you from achieving relief from the numb pain you felt did not have any right to say those words to you. He was already too involved. You wouldn’t let yourself be pushed out after he forced his way in. “That’s not fucking fair. I told you my feelings which I had buried so deep that I believed they weren’t real. You made me open up that pain you arsehole. You don’t get to board yourself up when you made me keep suffering this bullshit.” You were shouting at this point.

“What do you want me to fucking say?” Kuroo spins around. He was crying. Even if the rain was dripping down his face, his tears were clear as day. “How am I supposed to let myself love another person when Kenma is the one who loved me more than anything. HUH? He let me go, because he thought I could be happier with someone else- and I had the audacity to actually go and find someone to love other than him. I’m a terrible fucking person. I thought that I would go back to Kenma at the end, he was always there. And I’m scared-“ he ran his hands through his hair and bent down, placing his elbows on his knees. You walked over and bent down opposite him.

“I’m scared that if I let myself love him, I’ll lose Kenma forever.” He mustered up the courage to continue. “Because it will prove that I didn’t love him enough to stay with him, that I just selfishly went out to find someone better. That he was right, and I was unhappy with him. I don’t want that, I can’t lose Kenma, I love him and need him too much for that to happen. He deserves someone so much better than me. It feels wrong to leave him behind, unloved and alone and go off to be happy. I can’t-” his voice breaks into a sob, “I can’t do that to him.”

_It’s not the same, but it doesn’t have to be for you to understand that it still hurts him._

He burdens himself with guilt that has no basis, its just a selfish need to keep a hold of the things and people he wanted to keep in his life, to protect himself. Nevertheless, it broke you to see him like this, curled up in a wet ball, crying his eyes out. You reached out and placed your hand on his knee. “We promised each other” you weren’t sure if that still mattered but at least this way you would find out, “we promised to be by each other’s side, didn’t we?”

He looked up from his hands to finally meet your eyes.

“Use me,” You wiped away a tear from his eye, “use me to get the love you want from Tsukki. I’ll use you to get the love I wanted from Bo.”

“(y/n) why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do aren’t you telling me I’m stupid, or telling me I’m wrong for thinking that way.”

You sigh and look down at your shoes. “Because it’s not my place to tell you how to feel or think.” You look back up to Kuroo’s face to see two amber eyes apprehensively gleaming back at you. “In time you’ll come to realise and solve your problem yourself- use me to do that.”

“I’ll save you.” His response made your heart skip a beat. What the hell does he mean _save me._ “I’ll make you never hurt yourself in anyway, shape or form again- ever. Use me to help yourself solve your pain.”

“Okay.” You breathed, barely audible. His eyes make the air around you thinner, harder to breathe in, “I’ll use you as a distraction to keep myself from killing myself. Sound good?”

He giggled at your dark remark, “And I’ll use you as a distraction from the crippling self-loathing.”

“Fuck off,” you lightly punch his chest causing him to fall back onto the concrete road. “You don’t loathe yourself, you are literally in love with yourself- are you telling me you’re incredibly insecure whilst also having a God complex?”

“That exactly kitten,” he got up and walked towards you, grabbing your face with both his hands.

“Don’t call me tha-“ his lips crashing on yours prevented you from finishing your sentence.

***

As soon as the door to your apartment was shut, Kuroo’s lips were on yours. You throw your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. The room was cold, your bare feet on the flooring sending shivers down your spine. His cold fingertips skim the lace hem of your dress, gripping your ass. You tug at the bottom of his sweatshirt, trying to pull the drenched material off his body. Kuroo breaks away from your embrace, tugging at the neckline of his sweatshirt, pulling it off his body by the back and dropping it on the floor next to the door. Your lips find each other again as you welcome the familiar warmth of his breath on your tongue. His lips travel along the side of your jaw and down to you neck, nipping the supple skin. His fingers brush your shoulders, dropping down the black zip-up you had on. Your fingers intertwine with Kuroo’s wet hair, reminding you of the way it was exactly like this when you first saw him as the boy living next to you just a few days ago. You bury your head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his smell, it was damp, but still had the deep-set smell of smoke and thyme. Your fingers ran down his torso, he let out a small breathy moan against your collar bone as you brushed your fingertips on his nipples, unbuttoning his jeans as you reached the bottom of his abs.

“Do you want this?” you breathed against his ear.

“I do. Do you?” his hand caressing the side of your face.

“Yes.”

With that his hand moved from your face to your throat, tightening his grip around the carotid artery, making you see stars. He placed a deep kiss on your lips and placed his other hand at the top of your thigh, squeezing it twice. You took that as a signal to jump, wrapping your legs around his waist and your arms round his shoulders. The hands round your neck loosened its grip and instead took hold of your hair. A sharp pull made you throw your head back. Kuroo placed his lips on your exposed neck and left several love-bites in a trail down to the middle of your collarbones.

Moving towards your bed, you push his shoulders into the mattress. Tracing your lips down his body, looking up at him with hooded eyes as you lick his nipple. He bites his lip and throws his head back onto your pillow. Your hand keeps delicately circling his hardened nipple, as your lips continue down the rest of his stomach. His skin was icy, and slightly wet from being exposed to the rain. You take the hair band from your wrist and tie your hair up in a high ponytail before threading your fingers through the beltloops of Kuroo’s wet jeans and pulling them off his legs. Through his underwear you could see his hard cock, you outline the shaft through the fabric of the underwear, feeling it pulsate at your touch.

Kuroo’s breath was getting shorter. You pulled off his underwear and threw it on the floor next to his jeans. Taking the base of his shaft in your hand you press your tongue against the head of his penis, swirling around its circumference. Kuroo reached behind him, grabbing your headboard with both his hands. Slowly pumping the base of his shaft you place the whole head of his cock in your mouth, deliberately gently grazing your teeth on his frenulum, making him moan loudly. Never had the sound of moans turned you on so much as his were right now. Picking up the pace you bobbed your head up and down the length of his cock, pumping with your hand simultaneously. One of Kuroo’s hands gripped around your ponytail, pushing your head down more forcefully, hitting the back of your throat, causing you to tear up. The frequency of his moans were increasing and were getting louder. You felt his member pulsate against your tongue.

“Fuck (Y/n),” the grip on your hair tightened as he bucked his hips into your mouth. “I can’t hold it for much longer.”

You looked up at his face, he was biting his lip. This made you pick up the pace even more.

“Oh my Fuck,” his eyed rolled back in his head at the feeling of the tip of your tongue on his tip. “I’m gonna come.”

With that you took his cock out your mouth and pressed down on his head with your thumb, preventing him from ejaculating. His hips bucked forward and his legs trembled, seeing him squirm like this made your core throb. “You fucking bitch” Kuroo spat.

He sat up in bed, his cock throbbing, dripping in pre-cum even after you covered his tip with your fingers. He tore the dress off your body, causing you too let go of the hold on his penis. Grabbing your neck, he pushed you down onto the bed, cutting of your circulation slightly more gently this time. He stopped for a minute, looking at your perked breasts and taking in the entirety of your body stretched on the crinkled sheets with his naked body between your legs. Kuroo traced his thumb along the curves of your waist and hips before kissing the skin along the width of your ribcage. You let out sporadic moans as he nipped the supple skin of your breasts. 

His hand made its way down to your panties, taking them off and placing one of your legs on his shoulder. Kissing the inside of your thigh slowly. He placed two of his fingers in your mouth, lubricating them with your saliva, gagging you slightly. He traced his wet fingers down your slit, causing you to arch your back. He kept pressing down and rubbing circles on your clit. Making his way to enter your vagina with his two fingers, he kept pressing your g-spot with his thumb. Your hands reached behind your head, grabbing your pillow and putting it over your face to muffle your quiet screams as his fingers made your legs shake and toes curl. Sliding his fingers into you, he pushed right up against your cervical entrance. Thrusting harder and harder as your walls closed around the digits of Kuroo’s hands, you felt the cold metal of his ring grinding against your entrance, sending tremors through the length of your legs. You felt his hand pressing down on the pillow on your face, depriving you of oxygen as his fingers started curling in a come-here motion as he picked up the pace, pushing harder into you, almost driving you over the edge. Your whole torso lifted as you almost reached orgasm when Kuroo timidly removed his fingers from within you.

You lay there with the pillow over your head, catching your breath as the sexual anger arose from your stomach. You remove the pillow and sit up to see his shit-eating grin staring at you tentatively. Your throw the pillow at his head.

To this action Kuroo takes you by the nape, pulling your body down onto the sheets. He flips you around and grabs both your hands, gripping both your wrists preventing you from moving. The other hand grasps your hip. You just bury your face into your sheet to try and regain a steady heartbeat and breathing rate.

You could feel the tip of his cock grazing your entrance, enticing you and torturing you at the same time.

“Kuroo please,” you turn your head sideways to give him a quick glance. The grip on your wrist tightens and he leans over your back, breathing heavily against the back of your helix.

“Don’t be so polite now (Y/N).”

“Kuroo you fucking arsehole put it in before I put it in myself goddammit.”

He scoffs, reclining back off your back. He thrusts his hips forward into you, hitting the entrance of your cervix, causing you to gasp loudly. He quickly repeats this action, pushing harder and harder against you, pulling on your hip and wrists so hard that they were definitely going to bruise. The walls of your cunt were tightening around his plunging dick, causing him to let out scattered moans every time he crashed into you. Your knees began to tremble, threatening to give out any minute.

Taking his cock out, he flips you round, pushing you on your back. You gazed up at him. His hair was still wet, lying mostly flat rather than in its normal spiked manner, covering most of his forehead and both his eyes instead of just one. He was breath-taking. You placed one of your palms on his chest, feeling it rise every time he took a breath. He leaned down to touch your foreheads together.

“You are so beautiful (y/n)” placing a peck on your lips. You only managed to hum in response as he quickly inserted his pulsating member back into you. He takes your legs and puts them over his shoulders to reach deeper into you. Your moans starts to get echo around the room. Kuroo’s grip on your waist tightens as his motions become quicker and quicker. He places one hand round your oesophagus, pressing on both sides, making your vision blur and white spots appear in your periphery.

His hold on your throat and waist tightens and he pushes into you harder, making you arch your back.

“Tet- Tetsurou” you exclaim.

“Say it again, scream my name louder” his grip gets so tight you can barely breathe and see. You felt your core tense up as you reached orgasm once again.

“God, Tetsu don’t stop” your words were barely more than a whisper as his hand prevented your voice coming out.

With that he spilled into you, pushing a few more times, thrusting through both your orgasms as fluids dripped down his thighs and started to roll down your back.

Panting he places your legs back on the bed and sits back on his heels to catch his breath. You curl up into a foetal position on your side, trying to collect your racing thoughts, your breath not slowing at all. After a minute you feel Kuroo slide into bed next to you, pulling the duvet over both of you.

You turn round into his body, pressing your face into his chest and interlacing your legs. He wraps his arms around you and strokes your hair, placing kisses on the crown of your head.

“I won’t leave just yet okay babe.” He whispers into your hair. You just nod your head, trying to focus on the steady beating of his heart. It was a long time since someone had made you feel so good and it felt as if you didn’t deserve it.

With the sound of the rain against your window and Kuroo’s heartbeat, you eventually drifted in and out of sleep. Kuroo never letting you go for the whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this I hope to post chapters every week, then again who knows if i'll go into a depressive state for a week or two. anyways hope you have a nice day. drink some water and eat a prOPER MEAl. love yourself boo xoxo kurooslefttoe :p


	4. leave it all behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> instead of feeling alone in a group, it's better to have real solitude all by yourself.  
> \- Fay Valentine (Cowboy Bebop)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of sex, smoking. i didn't know whther or not to cut a part of this chapter out because it was really personal, but i guess part of the healing process is aknowledging the trauma and stuff so i decided to keep it in. plus it makes it more interesting.

The sound of rain pounding on the glass door of the balcony woke you up. You could feel a heat emanating and surrounding you in an uncomfortable swelter. You tried to pry free from the heat but ended up falling out the bed and hitting your elbow on the edge of the table that stood in the middle of the room, holding your laptop and textbooks. The cold floor against your bare back felt like a nice contrast to the sauna you were experiencing seconds before. A loud broken hyena laugh emerged from the bed. _Kuroo_.

“Serves you right (Y/n). Now we’re even” he swung his legs onto the floor, rubbing his sleepy eyes. His hair had gone back to his signature bedhead, partially covering one of his hazel eyes.

“Are you gonna keep track?”

“You bet!” he smiled widely back at you. “Is it okay if I go take a shower?”

“Yeah, knock yourself out,” you tried your hardest not to stare at his naked body as he stood up and started picking up his clothes off the floor. _However,_ it is very difficult to not sneak a glance at his godly figure, he was a lot slimmer than Bokuto, but he was just as toned. Its as if his body were carved by the sculptors of ancient Rome themselves.

He slid on his underwear over his obviously erect cock and started walking towards the door, causing you to snap back to reality.

“I thought you were going to take a shower.” He turned his head around as he slipped his toes into his converse, not putting them on properly.

“Yeah, at my place though. I don’t want to wank in your shower, you’re too close and I won’t be able to stop myself from doing something more” he gave you a wink before going out the door in his underwear and half-slipped-on shoes, leaving you just sitting naked on the floor in a confused, second-hand embarrassed state. _That was mortifying._

_I should have killed myself when I had the chance._

Sluggishly getting up, you drag yourself into your own shower, desperately trying to focus on anything other than Kuroo’s body pressed up against yours as the hot water falls down on your bodies in the middle of –

NOPENO. Nope. _Not doing that._

***

Even though it was raining in the morning, by two o’clock it had stopped, and the sun bought a humid mist to the air. You had put on a red jacquard print midi skirt and a black long-sleeved crop top to accommodate for the slightly colder, but still overly hot for September, weather.

You were starting to do your makeup by the time Kuroo walked through the door for the second time that day. Your skin was being kind to you recently, so you decided to skip foundation and start filling in your eyebrows lightly before you heard his footsteps getting closer.

“Hey Bo’s game starts at 5 right?”

“Yeah, why?” you answered from the bathroom, concentrating more on your winged liner than Kuroo’s actual question. You might have agreed to sign away your soul to the devil for all you knew but at least the wings were even.

“Wanna go get food before?” He leaned his body on the door frame of the bathroom.

“Yeah sure, what were you thinking?” you were brushing crimson eyeshadow on your lower lash line.

“I don’t know. You decide.”

You stop unscrewing your mascara and give him a blank look.

“Are you an idiot, you never say that to a girl. We don’t fucking know where we want to go eat. You’re a man, you guys seem to not give a flying fuck about where your stick your dicks, should be simple enough to decide on what goes in your mouth.”

You start applying your mascara a bit heavy handed, getting some on your brow bone, you rub it off with the sleeve of your top.

“Jheez I’m sorry, I’ve only been with one other girl so I wouldn’t know.” Kuroo looked down on the floor, seemingly embarrassed. You applied some lip balm and turned round to face Kuroo who was staring down at his feet.

“Only one? How many men have you been with?”

“Kenma and one other. He wasn’t serious though, he was just going through some stuff, trying to figure shit out and using me for that.” He seemed uncomfortable talking about his past. “Went back to his girlfriend after two months. Me and Kenma were together properly for a year in my last year of high school.”

You walked towards him, taking him by the hand and leading him back out to the main room, turning off the bathroom light on the way. You let it go and went to open the balcony door. Kuroo sat down on the floor in front of the low table, leaning back against your bed. You take the ashtray, cigarette packet and matchbox and make your way to sit cross-legged opposite Kuroo, leaning your elbows on the table. You take a cigarette between your lips and offer him one, which he accepts, keeping it between his thumb and middle finger. You strike a match and light your own, while he pulls out a lighter from his pocket and lights the one between his fingers. You blow the match out and sit in silence for a minute, letting the grey smoke paint ribbons in the air, filling the silence that echoed through the room.

“So, what was the girl like?” you eventually pipe up, letting out a long breath of silver steam.

“It was before Kenma left high school, I had just started University and she was my friend’s lab partner.” He turned his gaze to the plants on your balcony, silently breathing in the smoke.

“Was she pretty?”

Kuroo smiled at that, “yeah, she was really pretty.”

“Tell me more.”

He ashed his cigarette and gave a sigh before looking directly into your eyes. “Let’s order some food.”

“No babe you’re gonna talk about this, then we’ll order something. I’m not changing my mind.” You were starting to realise more and more that Kuroo actually had some deep-set problems that he refused to face, he reminded you somewhat of yourself.

He let out a small growl before putting out his finished cigarette. “Fine. But you’re paying.”

“Fine by me,” you put out your cigarette before placing your hands flat on the table and resting your chin on your hands, staring intently up to Kuroo. “Now start.”

“Her name was Mai. She was nearly the complete opposite of you actually,” he giggled at that, “from her clothes to her personality, she was really loud in class and everybody loved her, including the teachers. It’s like she had her own gravitational pull which made you be drawn to her regardless if you wanted to be or not.” You gave him a scowl at the backhanded comment about you. 

“So, I had a friend in my organic chemistry class, Daichi- Suga’s boyfriend you know him, anyways me and my lab partner and Daichi and Mai would always get together to study and do group projects and stuff, even when the new semesters made us change lab partner’s we stayed in our lil group of 4. She and I got really close and she helped me take my mind off Kenma I guess. I thought that because she was a girl that it would be different, I would be caring about her in a different way, a more protective way. And she was new, so I actually had to try hard. It wasn't easy and care-free like it was with Kenma. I thought that if I could learn to love someone in another way, I could be better for Kenma.” You reach across to take his hand in yours, tracing circles in his skin.

“She was wonderful and caring and loving, a perfect girlfriend on all accounts, but at the same time I felt that without her I would be better off, and you’re not supposed to feel like that when you truly love someone. I guess I just didn’t love her enough. I never once thought that when I was with Kenma. I thought he made me a better person, not because he changed me but because I changed myself because I wanted to be better _for_ him. So I let her go. It wasn’t because she was wrong for me, I was just wrong for her and she deserved so much better than I could offer. But it still hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, even if it was my decision.”

“So,” you start quietly, “do you not think that you can empathize with Kenma in that way?”

He looked up at you with tears in his eyes which startled you slightly, “you mean Kenma didn’t love me enough to stay with me?”

“Oh my god no you insolent chimp.” You wiped his eyes in a way to comfort him, “it’s not that. Loving someone isn’t easy, there’s also no one right way to do it. I’m sure Kenma loved you more than enough, it just took the form of letting you go because he knew that he couldn’t be what you needed at the time. Just how you let Mai go because you weren’t in the right place to love her fully. Not because you didn't love her enough, you loved her enough to let her go and be truly happy elsewhere.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right” he smiled to himself, finding calm in your words.

“So how did you fall for Tsukki?”

“No – food” Kuroo glared at you.

“Ugh, fine.” You get up and take your phone from the kitchen cabinet where it was charging and ring up a pizza place that would get there the quickest.

***

Even though the pizza got there in 20 minutes, you spent it in silence, just staring out the balcony and listening to the life outside. Kuroo had moved to sit next to you, and lay down on the floor with his head in your lap, quietly purring as you played with his hair.

“You look really pretty (y/n)” he beamed as you walked back from the door placing the pizza on the table and going to the cupboard to get plates and cups.

“Thank you, I could say the same about you” you had only now fully taken in what he looked like today. He was just wearing dark grey cargo trousers and a grey sweatshirt with the white t shirt sticking out under it on the neckline and at the bottom. He really could dress well for someone who had such a shitty personality.

“So what about you?” he piped up as you placed two cans of ice tea on the table. You raised your eyebrows at him in confusion. “What’s your past love life like?”

You felt your heart sink a bit. “It’s a … um it’s a bit messy to say the least.” Your voice was shaky and your chest began to tighten.

“Well I opened up about mine, by the way Bo doesn’t know about the other dude so don’t tell him. It’s only fair."

“Okay,” you take a deep breath and try to calm yourself. Kuroo places his head back in your lap and strokes the side of your thigh to make you clam down, he seemed to be very good at telling when you were on the verge of having a panic attack and how to make you focus on other things.

“I’ve actually never had a boyfriend” you start, “I’ve been with 4 guys, but it never got serious, I just wasn’t good enough I guess. The first one was when I was 14, he was actually my best friend of three years, I trusted him more than anything. I actually had a crush on his best friend but that didn’t work out. So one day we were hanging out at his house and one thing led to another and we had sex, he filmed it, spread it round the school and blocked me on everything the next day." Kuroo's hand stopped moving, taking in the true meaning of your sad, monotonous words.

“The next one was when I was 15, we were hanging out and talking for a month and then we had sex, and he left me the next day for his ex-girlfriend. She found out like a year later and called me a whore for sleeping with her boyfriend even though _I_ was the one who got cheated on.

“Then when I was 16 there was another guy, he was actually great for the first month or so, I was really careful because I didn’t want to get used again. So, he came over to my house a couple times, but we didn’t have sex, and he seemed fine with it so I was okay. And after three months of everything being great, we had sex. After that he wouldn’t come over anymore and would ditch me to see his friends instead of me even when we made plans ages before. I found out that he had actually been cheating on me, ever since the day we had sex, he went for a girl two years younger and was just stringing me along.

“The last one was in the same year, it was actually one of the other guys friends, I didn’t love him, I didn’t even like him, he wasn’t my type, and I didn’t find him attractive at all. But I wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side. I wanted to know what having sex with one person more than just once would feel like. So, I used him, got bored and left him. And everyone called me a bitch or a slut.

“They were all just basically using me for sex. And that’s why I hated myself so much I guess, because I’m not good enough for anyone to want anything more from me. After a while, relationships became meaningless, I lost most of my friends and shut myself in. I just felt empty and numb. So yeah.” You stared at the pizza, still in the box, trying to keep the tears from spilling out.

This boy, lying in your lap, had once again made you dig up the most painful parts of yourself. But the hate you felt the first time was not present, it wasn’t comforting either, it was just words that lost their meaning when you said them out loud, and the tightness in your chest increased.

“I’m sorry” Kuroo was staring out onto the balcony still.

“Yeah me too.” You opened your phone to look at the time. “Hey its 3:45, hurry up and eat we need to leave in 30 minutes.”

Kuroo eagerly sat up and began munching on the food in front of him, it had once again reverted back to silence, but this presence of the him next to you made it feel as natural as breathing. 

***

_“And Bokuto Koutarou lands match point with an extreme straight, hitting the ball past Konoha Akinori’s hands. Amazing control, nothing less from the former ace. And what perfect setting by the one and only Akaashi Keiji, the duo haven’t lost their touch since high school I can tell you that ladies and gentlemen…”_

You and Kuroo clap for the university team as they approach the stands, Bokuto looks up at you and smiles. For the first time since you met him, his smile didn’t warm you inside. Since that conversation you had with Kuroo you felt like you were drifting on a cloud, and not in a good way. Your whole body felt like it was being dragged around, and you were dissociating from your surroundings. You can’t remember how you got to the game or when it started or ended.

Kuroo grabs you hand and gives it a squeeze, leading you down to the lobby where you see everyone from the team except Bokuto and Akaashi. You congratulate them and wave to Konoha sheepishly since it had been a while since you’d last seen him at a game.

“Hey Kuroo, I’m gonna go grab a drink do you want anything?” you start heading off in the direction of the vending machine but he pulls you back, kissing you.

“You,” he says, smirking at you.

“You make me want to throw up.” You give him a blank look to which he laughs and turn round to go to the vending machine via your previous attempt.

You get yourself a peach iced tea and put in the money to get Kuroo a red bull. But you don’t even hear it drop, your attention was taken to something else.

It was Bokuto. With Akaashi’s legs wrapped round his waist. Interlocked in a deep kiss.

_It really hurt. even though he wasn't yours, it really hurt because now, you were never going to get that part of you back._

An arm wrapping round your waist pulls you back to reality, you didn’t realise who it was as first as it was too low to be Kuroo, and Akaashi and Bokuto were down each other’s throat’s 5 feet away.

“Hey bitchass, I missed you.” He said quietly.

“Kenma!” you quietly exclaimed, wrapping your arms round his shoulders and hugging him. “I can’t believe you’re back from Argentina, why didn’t you call?”

“I wanted to surprise you” he says burying his face in the crook of your neck. You grab Kuroo’s red bull and make your way to the exit. Leaving the feelings you had for Bokuto in the gymnasium, never to be felt again.

_He’s not yours and never was. The love that you felt for him was there because he made you feel something for the first time after a long time. Were you really in love with him, or were you in love with not feeling like an empty shell of a human being?_

_At least they’re happy together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp time to go start writing th next chpater instead of doing the piles of school work i have tehee. have a good week girlykins <3


	5. star shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rather than being the person who hurts others, be the one who gets hurt.  
> \- Kaneki Ken <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - Self harm, its at the end of the chapter so you can skip it if you want.
> 
> Also I started a tiktok for my anime and ao3 stuff, it’s Kurooslefttoee and I’ll post stuff like my outfit and apartment inspiration <3

Kenma walks you to his car, the brand new black 2020 Mercedes A-class saloon looking almost invisible against the backdrop of the night sky. He pulls out the key from his pocket and unlocks the doors, holding open the passenger side for you, a dim blue light illuminating the black leather interior.

You suddenly feel the weight of the red bull still in your hand, it makes you stop dead in front of the door. You look down at Kenma’s gentle smile and feel a lump in your throat. “I have to go say bye to Kuroo,” you whisper, not knowing if Kenma even heard you. However, he closes the passenger door and places a hand on your arm.

“Sure, but don’t make me wait long.”

You hurry back inside the gymnasium, only to witness Kuroo leaning against the wall, playing on his phone. His sweatshirt was slung over his shoulder to reveal his muscular biceps in a short sleeve white t-shirt. You approach him quietly, but he raises his head as you’re 10 steps away, putting his phone back in his pocket and giving you a wide grin.

“Hey Kitten, I was starting to get worried when I couldn’t find you,” he raised his body off the wall and stood opposite you, touching the toes of his black air-force 1’s to your doc’s.

“I um,” you start, Kuroo draped the sweatshirt over your shoulders, rubbing your arms, probably thinking that it was cold outside when in fact it was actually way too humid. Regardless, the gesture was heart-warming and made your stomach fill with butterflies slightly. “Kenma and I were gonna go for drinks, catch up and stuff.” You couldn’t bare to look him in the eye, after all, you were pale in comparison to basically the love of Kuroo’s life, waiting outside not for his soulmate, but for the sleazy rebound. The butterflies turned back to caterpillars and made your stomach crawl in disgust. Disgust at yourself, at the situation, all of it.

“Okay,” Kuroo’s voice was shaky as he took the red bull from you. He walked past you and started to make his way to the exit. For some reason your whole body was filled with dread, as if, if you let him walk through that door, you would never see him again. Your mind started to fill with images from the night before, your skin against his, his lips and his breath so close, and how his existence near to you became so normal within the space of a week.

_It’s happening again, I was just being used for sex, again. He’s never going to see me again. I’m never going to be able to talk to him, or feel his hand in my hair, or his hand on my back, or his -_

You felt a pair of arms wrap round your arms and waist, hair tickling against your ear, knocking your earrings slightly. You were hit with Deja-vu as you remembered back to how this exact thing happened when you were standing on the edge of your balcony just one week ago.

“I’ll be waiting at home for you, I’ll leave my door open so please,” Kuroo kissed your neck softly, “let me wake up next to you.” He lets you go and walks out the exit of the gymnasium, disappearing into the night-time.

 _Home._ You smiled to yourself and you pulled his sweatshirt tighter round you, inhaling the smell of tobacco, thyme and vanilla that bought you peace every time he laid close to you.

***

Kenma was surprisingly a bad driver, not in the way that he would stall a manual or hit things as he drove, but he drove 30 over the speed limit and had major road rage. Must be continuation from his gaming habits.

The lights of Tokyo were reflected in the layer of rainwater that had partially evaporated. The vibrant hues of teal, purple, yellow and red all became one monochrome rainbow as you sped past them. The light mist that covered the ground absorbed the neon colours, engulfing everything in a pastel haze, softening the otherwise linear and industrial look of central Tokyo.

You turn on Kenma’s car radio, flickering through the channels until you hear a familiar melody, _Nuvole Bianche_ by Enaudi, the soft piano notes made the moment seem ethereal. You hadn’t touched piano keys since you left home, and the pieces always sounded like they were in minor on your untuned piano. Kenma looked at you and took your hand in his.

_Memories are almost as painful as the present moment._

“Do you remember how we first met (y/n)?” Kenma started quietly.

“I do,” you look out into the mirage of colours floating by outside, “I was playing this song.” A small smile grew on your face.

_It was July, the school festivals were in full swing, trying to get all the children to go to their respective schools. Standing outside the gates of Nekoma High School with your friend group, there were no worries or pain in your mind. Everything was as it should be and there was no reason to be anxious and so you weren’t._

_You felt Julia slide her arm into yours, interlocking your arms and pulling you forward behind the group which had already set off in their individual interest groups. The sound of her laugh already made this place feel safer._

_You had known Jules since you two were three years old. She and her parents had moved from Poland. She had long dark brown hair and piercing emerald eyes that would soften at the sight of you._

_You both had the same birthday. She lived in the house opposite to yours and you could talk to each other from your bedroom balconies. She was more like a sister than a best friend._

_You had a pair of earrings that you had gotten for your 7 th birthdays that you shared. A pair of yellow gold studs and hoops, each of you had a stud in one ear and a hoop in the other, it looked a bit ridiculous but it was the sentiment of it all. Those were the days where you only had one piercing. Now you both still wear the same earrings with the stud and hoop in your double helix piercings on your left ears. Those were the days._

_However, she had left you to go and find the bathroom, leaving you by yourself. Wondering around the festival you had ended up at the music room, a bright, large, mostly empty space save the grand piano in the middle of the room and the shelves full of music sheets filling the walls._

_You strolled inside, walking straight towards the piano. Tracing your finger against the ivory keys you could already feel that this was an expensive, and well-tuned, instrument._

_You sat down on the bench and placed your fingers on the starting notes of the song you had just recently learned. It was a piece by Einaudi, at the time he was your favourite composer; his style was more modern compared to the classics like Beethoven and Bach._

_Gliding along the notes, the world around you became blurred and the feeling of weightlessness enshrouded you. Music had always been a safe haven, every piece, every note, every rest told a story. It was an escape from problems you didn’t have at the time. But the feeling of indescribable independence and simple happiness in the world is a fleeting phenomenon._

_The song ended and the delicate sound of the wind rustling the leaves could be heard through the open windows. In the doorway stood a boy. His long brown hair surrounded his face, decreasing his peripheral vision, but his golden irises were staring deeply at you. The Gameboy in his hands was giving off sounds that sounded like game over._

_He didn’t say anything but looked like he had wanted to, his eyes began to run across the room while he couldn’t find the words to say. In response you gave him a kind smile, to which it seemed as if his mind stopped racing, his eyes glowed and one of the most beautiful smiles you had ever seen grew on his face._

_The moment was broken by a loud shout, “KYANMA!”, the boy snapped back to reality and hurriedly bowed before scurrying off in the direction opposite to where the shout had come from. A tall boy with an awful bedhead ran after the boy._

_You closed the lid of the instrument and walked out the door, taking in the fragrant summer air. Taking in the scene of green blooming trees and tall school buildings in front of you. The day smelled like the feeling you get when you step onto the warm golden sand on a beach when you’re on holiday, and the beautiful aquamarine sea stretches out in front of you as far as you can see. *_

_That was the first day that your music had left someone speechless, and the warm feeling in your stomach hadn’t gone away with the mousy haired boy. Chasing this feeling was what would keep you going for the longest time._

_“Hey, (y/n)!” Julia had appeared from round the corner. The day and festival ended and even though you knew that you weren’t going to Nekoma, that was the only place that had given you a feeling of utter bliss._

_*(you know the feeling of just pure happiness of a beach day, but like the smell of it? Like how certain situations have certain smells, you know? I know what I’m talking about don’t call me crazy.)_

“You played piano so well, why’d you stop” Kenma enquired.

“My mother told me I had to focus on my studies, so there was no time for music.” You traced circles in Kenma’s hand with your thumb, “plus, I had been playing since I was three, so my fingers and wrists were getting kinda ruined because of the motions.”

“That’s sad.”

“yeah,” you just stare out the window, “it is sad.”

***

Kenma’s Tokyo apartment was extravagant to say the least. The elevator opened into his living room as he had the penthouse suite. The interior was dimly lit with the black walls contrasting nicely to the white marble flooring that ran throughout the main living and kitchen area. The whole wall opposite the entrance was made up of a single curved glass pane, giving a panoramic view over the neon lit city.

You both walked over to the black kitchen, you took a seat on one of the stools underneath the grey granite waterfall island facing parallel to the rest of the kitchen, while Kenma opened a cabinet which looked to be full of liquor and pulled out a bottle of scotch. The distressed mirror backsplash and amber lights gave this modern apartment a rustic feel which made it feel less cold and industrial than it was.

Placing two crystal tumblers on the counter, he placed a large cube of ice in each. He carefully peeled and cut an orange (straight up on the counter – no chopping board bc Kenma’s built different) and squeezed some orange juice in each cup, followed by placing a swirl of orange peel on the ice cube. He then opened the brand-new bottle and poured each of you a glass.

“You remembered,” you smile he pushed one tumbler in your direction.

“Scotch on the rocks with a twist, you’re the only one I know who can tolerate such an old man drink.” Kenma says as he takes a sip of your favourite drink.

You swirl your finger around the rim of the tumbler as you watch the condensation drip down the side. Taking it to your lips, the warm, robust flavour dances on your tongue, finishing with the fresh citrus afternote. There was nothing better in the world – except for straight vodka which you had learned to drink by the bottle since Julia’s Polish family seemed to have an endless supply.

You made you way to the living area on the opposite side of the huge room, facing out onto the skyline of Japan’s capital city. The dark grey settees and chaises had black and burnt orange cushions to match the ambience of the apartment. You set yourself on one of the chaises as Kenma set the bottle of scotch on the matching grey granite (matching to the kitchen island) coffee table. He sat on next to you, close, but not to close to touch or invade your personal space.

You talked the night away, he told you about Hinata in Argentina, and how his company was doing, the colour scheme of his apartment, and how he probable only used the kitchen for cup noodles and Hinata’s sponsorship. You talked about how your Biomed degree was going, and how Julia was finding her uni in Osaka, and about your plants, about Bo and Akaashi, and about how you had found out Kuroo lived next door. _How you found that out wasn’t important._

Talking with Kenma after so long made the world seem so free, he constantly reminded you of the piano notes, playing a beautiful tune, filled with dramatic crescendos scattered throughout a moonlight sonata. The feeling of ethereal enjoyment was one you had not felt for years. The dark ambience and bright blurred city lights engulfed you like a cosy blanket, making you feel safe in the presence of the male next to you.

Kenma had always made you feel safe. His embrace could take all your worries away, just like he had done earlier that day.

_I wonder if this is how Kuroo felt next to Kenma. If so, I understand why he wouldn’t want to leave this._

The topic of Kuroo was weighing heavy on your mind, since he was obviously loved Kenma, but he wasn’t _in_ love with Kenma, and he was too stubborn to let himself love Tsukki. You drank the rest of the scotch in your cup before mustering up the courage to start the conversation.

“Say Kenma,” you start hesitantly. He hums in response. “Do you still love Kuroo?”

Kenma’s eyes widened and he placed his now empty glass on the coffee table. You sort of regretted bringing it up.

“I do.” He stares out the window, smiling delicately. A sad smile. A lump forms in your throat as you can tell the vibes of the room start to change. “I never stopped loving him, and I couldn’t watch as he kept himself grounded when he could fly so much higher, just without me. It’s not that we didn’t love each other enough, we just loved each other differently, and he’s still holding on to the notion of the childhood friends to eternal lovers, whereas I let him go to be with someone who can actually fulfil his expectation of what love should be.” He refills his glass with the scotch.

“I mean come on, it’s hard work, being in love. And I’m far too lazy and introverted to be with someone like Kuroo. No matter how hard I try, I can’t be what he wants me to be and its unfair for him to change himself, hold himself back, for the sake of someone who couldn’t even love him the way he wanted.”

“But you tried Kenma,” you take his free hand in yours, offering comfort of some sorts, “at least you tried.”

“Now he’s found what he needed from you (y/n)” Kenma looks you dead in the eye, causing your heart to drop as anxiety rises from your stomach to the lump in your throat. “But he doesn’t love you.”

_He doesn’t love you._

“Yeah, I know.” You place your empty glass on the coffee table and walk out the door. Leaving Kenma and the truth behind in the overpriced apartment.

***

In the cab ride home, a million things stir through your mind. Kenma’s words still burned in the forefront of your mind.

_I know he doesn’t love me. That the one thing he made very clear from the start, he loves Tsukki and I was just there to keep his mind off it because he was too stubborn to leave fully Kenma._

_I let myself be used. Why did I do that to myself- to feel something again? No. Was it because he was similar to me in some way? Again, no._

_He just saved me from my death._

Walking up the six flights of stairs in your building complex, each step feels heavier than the one before. The realisation that you were only in this mess was your own fault makes the whole world feel gloomy and pointless. The warm safe feeling you had with Kenma by your side was gone and the thought of returning and sleeping in that apartment that calmed all your nerves was much more enticing than the thought of curling up next to the black-haired boy who smelled of smoke and thyme. But you couldn’t bear the shame of having to look Kenma in the face when he had just stated the obvious.

As you reach your and Kuroo’s floor, the decision of which door to enter is no longer a job for future you, but the stupid bitch from 20 minutes ago left this decision to the last-minute you.

You walk out the open fire exit door and sit on the stairs instead of making a decision. Pulling out the flattened cigarette packet and Kuroo’s white lighter from your bra, you light a slightly misshapen cigarette and let the glorious sensation of oxygen deprivation control your body. The lightheaded feeling that overcame you, making you slump into the steps more, leaning back on the uneven metal terrain.

Looking up to the sky, it's filled with murky clouds. A single star, the size of a pin head can be seen from the lining of two masses of grey cloud. You exhale your own contribution to the grey clouds above your head as you reach your arm out above you in the direction of the star. The connotation of stars is rather ridiculous. The classic five point shape is far from the real enormous ball of gas hundreds of thousands of light years away. By the time the light from the star has reached us, the start could be dead, become a white dwarf or a planetary nebula. The thing we see is dead light from a dead star from a figure of time that has seen the future before us. In the context of it all we humans are completely and utterly irrelevant, and the world would be so much better without us on it. 

And yet, we were made from stars. Our very existence as it is was given to us from the collapse of the stars before the ones we see in the sky today. We are made of starstuff. Stars are dazzling things. They poise the question of whether in fact beauty and growth do stem from death, the death of one thing leads to the life of another. _so let me fucking die._

The night was still warm, humid, and the air was translucent with the early morning fog. Looking at your phone, the time read 3:27, you had no new messages and the only email you received was from your Biology professor regarding the upcoming mid term examination. You took another breath from the cigarette as you willed the desperation to go away.

You reach to your ear, finding the cool metal of the gold leaves dangling from your lobe. The last piercing you got was your nose and that was at the start of the year. A sudden pang went through your spine, a ghostly familiar one. You wanted a new one. You wanted the pain of a new piercing, the physical pain you missed so much.

 _But you couldn’t get one right now._ Your mind began to race and your breathing became sporadic. The floor began to spin. _I need this feeling to go away right now._ Crawling up the stairs, you made your way back into the building. _I can’t do this anymore._ You take the key from under the flower pot and turn the handle, entering the dark room. _I want this feeling to stop._ You throw the cigarettes lighter and Kuroo’s sweatshirt on the floor. Ripping off your black top. _Make it stop._ Making your way to the bathroom you rummage through your shaving supplies, grabbing a new single razor blade. _This feeling needs to stop. Make it stop. STOP IT. MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE. Please. Make it all stop. All of it. I don’t want to be alive anymore._

You draw in silver, and but it comes out red.

4:37  
You get yourself off the floor and wash your forearms off with water, washing your face from the tears. You wet a face towel and clean the blood off the floor. Throwing the razor, crusty now with dried blood, away in the bin. You change back into Kuroo’s sweatshirt and a pair of navy plaid pyjama shorts, tie your hair in a braid, and put on your sliders.

Walking out your door, you lock it, placing the key back under the flowerpot. You turn the handle of Kuroo’s door- it opens without pressure. You enter his room, which is pitch black given his drawn curtains, but you can make out the outline of his bed and his body under the covers.

You lock the door and slip off your sliders next to his converse, making your way as quietly as possible to lay next to the man sleeping soundly in a room filled with the things that make this man who he is. You gently lift the covers and press yourself against his exposed back. Pulling down the sleeves of the sweatshirt, you wrap your arms around him and drift into a peaceful sleep, pretending like the early hours hadn’t transpired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my lordy, so i tried to make this chapter longer, becuase i realised i had turned like a week into 5 chapters when it could've benn in one i guess. anyways, chemisrty is really going to be the death of me, arenes and kekules structure can kiss my ass. im planning on uploading this chapter a bit earlier becuase i have a really big assigment from history thats worth like 20% of my grade due on march 8th, so whether i stay up to do it at 3am on march 8th or whther i act like a responsible adult will be decided by how mentally stable im feeling. speaking of being a responsible adult, i turned 18 this week, (23rd) wow, the first things i purchased were my favourite cigarettes and the largest bottle of whiskey in the store. its not like i wasn't doing those things before but now i can do them LEGALLY, wehey. tits can make you get away with anything am i right ladies. ofc im right. anyways girlyboo's, hope y'all have a wonderful week xoxo Kurooslefttoe ;p


	6. Star shopping- Kuroo’s POV announcement

Hey darlings, so basically college is opening tomorrow and I didn’t have time to finish the new chapter this week- so sorry (not that it really matters to anyone :p)   
I’ll try to finish it as fast as I can give the workload that I get from college. 

Anyways, hope you had a fab day girlykins. Til next time xoxo Kurooslefttoe ❤️


	7. star shopping - kuroo's pov

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the moon doesn't have it's own light source, it is in fact reflected sunlight, the shapes change because the earth gets in the way. the earth brings darkness to places which were drenched in sunlight. it leaves a lingering feeling of being left out too long in direct sunlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so theres some smut in this chapter, got the kurotsuki out of the way- tbh its not my favourite ship because i don't even really like tsukki that much DONT HATE ME I LIKE HIS PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER I JUST DON'T GET THE SIMPS AND I DONT FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE BC BLONDES ARENT MY TYPE anyways, enjoy this chapter, its in Kuroo's pov but in third person, so hopefully it reads okay.

Kuroo watched you walk away, starting your venture to the vending machines. Heading outside, he gazed back longingly at the team of boys, cheering, and laughing. Reclining back against the railing, he placed a cigarette between his lips, fiddling with the lighted between his fingers as his mind wandered.

The atmosphere of the game left a longing in Kuroo’s core. The distant nostalgia of what it felt like to play on the court was so bittersweet. He missed it.

He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and leaned his head back. Volleyball was the one thing that would take his mind all the stress of life, his schoolwork, his parents, his relationships. The broken fragments of misery that were scattered through life meant nothing when he was immersed with the game and players. What he wouldn’t give be able to have that again.

An escape, a safe haven. A connection.

“Hey Kuroo.”

Opening his eyes, he took in the figure standing before him, the realisation only allowed him to quietly state “Kenma”.

“Sta shiburi _(It’s been a while)_ ” Kenma said with a smile. It had been half a year since Kuroo had last seen him but for some reason he looked like he’d grown up so much. Wearing a black suit with a white unbuttoned shirt, hair tied loosely in a half-up bun, he was beautiful. Those golden eyes hadn’t lost their edge, still not being able to maintain eye contact after all these years which Kuroo had always found endearing.

“Sure has,” Kuroo finally lit the cigarette that had been hanging from his lips with a match, tossing it on the floor as it went out, “how’ve you been?”

“Please don’t do that.” Kenma’s voice seemed hesitantly angry as he pulled out a cigarette case from his inner pocket, taking out one of the black cigarettes from the silver packet. Lighting it with a silver zippo lighter engraved with a small cat in the corner, that you had gifted him for his trip to Argentina.

Kuroo looked at Kenma confused, “what do you mean? Don’t what?”

“Let’s not catch up like ex’s do. I’ve known you too long to already know that while I’ve been away, you’ve been burying that awful bedhead of yours in studies, barely talking to anyone, shutting yourself off. Your mother called me thinking I could make you better miraculously somehow from half-way across the globe. And yet it seems that all you needed was to get laid by some ridiculously hot piece of ass to come out and live like a normal person again, and who knew that of all people it would be (y/n).”

The outburst from Kenma surprised Kuroo, this reaction being far from his normal character.

The delicate ember glow from the cigarette illuminated Kenma’s face lightly, carving shadows from his thinly pressed lips. The night was warm, a slow zephyr swept the humidity from the morning rain away. While the horizon was darkening into a murky pool of red and navy, it was still too early for stars to begin appearing in the sky.

“How do you know about (y/n)?” Kuroo asked shyly, a stream of silver smoke spiralling out of his lips.

“You don’t seem to have trouble showing it, kissing her in front of everyone like that,” Kenma ad avoided looking at Kuroo’s face since the mention of your name. “she’s … fragile.”

“In what sense?”

“It won’t be so difficult to break her. Like when a doll has so many cracks and chips in the porcelain that simply placing it on the floor could make it shatter into a million incorrigible pieces.” For the first time, Kenma looked into Kuroo’s eyes with malice, “don’t play with her if you don’t intend to protect her from breaking. Don’t pretend to love her.”

“Who says I’m pretending?”

The words seemed to echo around the two individuals, drifting in the air as if they were gliding along the thinning grey ribbons of smoke engulfing the surrounding air. Kenma stubbed his half-smoked cigarette on the floor and took his leave without saying another word.

_Love doesn’t take one default form, that’s what she’s taught me._

Throwing his own cigarette on the floor and stepping on it as he walked, Kuroo made his way back to the place where he’d been inside the gymnasium. Leant up against the pillar, he waited for you to be able to come back with him.

***

Kuroo’s head lifted as he sensed her footsteps coming closer towards him.

“Hey Kitten, I was starting to get worried when I couldn’t find you,” he raised his body off the wall and stood in front of her, touching the toes of his black air-force 1’s to her doc’s.

“I um,” she starts, Kuroo draped the sweatshirt over her shoulders, He gently rubbed her arms even though he knew it wasn’t that cold outside. He just wanted the girl in front of him to be somewhat surrounded by his warmth even when she wasn’t by his side.

“Kenma and I were gonna go for drinks, catch up and stuff.” She was looking down at his chest, refusing to meet his eye. He thought of Kenma and the words he had said earlier in the evening.

“Okay,” Kuroo’s voice was shaky as he took the red bull from her. He walked past her and started to make his way to the exit. Just as he was about to walk out the door the faint dread of leaving made his stomach churn. The night before, she was so close, her body against his, her lips and breath so close, her existence became irreplaceable within the space of a week.

_I’m not going to break her, we’re going to love and be loved, we’ll figure it out together._

Turning around, Kuroo hugged her from behind, wrapping his arms round her arms and waist, buring his head in the crook of her neck, her earrings hitting against his temple slightly. He was hit with Deja-vu as he remembered desperately trying to pull her from the edge of the balcony just one week ago.

“I’ll be waiting at home for you, I’ll leave my door open so please,” Kuroo kissed her neck softly, “let me wake up next to you.” He lets go and walks out the exit of the gymnasium, disappearing into the night-time.

 _Home._ He smiled to himself as he fiddled with her matchbox in his trouser pocket.

***

Pulling out his door key from his back pocket, Kuroo opened the door to his apartment. Stepping inside he slipped off his shoes and made his way to the balcony door.

Outside the world was a loud quiet, you could tell there was a vibrant life out there and some of the background noise and music made it more comforting knowing you weren’t alone, but the noise was far away and barely audible.

Opening the glass sliding door, Kuroo stepped onto the balcony. Leaning on the railing he looked down to the concrete street below. A sharp pang stabbed in his stomach and his throat grew tight as his mind drifted to the image of her body laying lifeless and blood-drained on the grey surface. Thanking God that he didn’t quit smoking otherwise that image would have been a reality.

Shifting his focus to the balcony next to his, Kuroo stared at the two potted plants in the middle of her balcony. She’d told him the names of them, but he had already forgotten. They were pretty though, calming in the presence of the internal turmoil that both their lives entailed.

Kuroo looked up at the stars, which were now appearing high above the atmosphere. The summer constellations were being switched with the winter ones. The giant balls of gas which we see are not really there, the light took so many light years to reach us that the stars could be in fact in a completely different place in the galaxy, or have collapsed, replaced by new stars which would be seen in the millennia to come.

Undeniably, humans are made of the stars, yet the beautiful creations of light and pure elements were scorched into greed, violence and resentment. Like how the world was before we began to ruin it.

_No wonder (y/n) wanted to kill herself this shit sucks._

At that moment Kuroo’s phone rang. Scrabbling around in his pocket, he took out the phone to see who it was – Tsukki.

 ** _“Hey.”_** Tsukki’s static voice went through the phone.

“Hey.” Kuroo answered.

A minute of silence passed between them.

“So … did you need something?”

**_“Kuroo, why are you with (Y/n)?”_ **

“I-“

**_“Kuroo listen to me. What happened that night – you can just treat it as a mistake. I know that there was feelings between us, but did you really think that you could just do that and leave me high and dry. Bullshit. I don’t need that right now, or then, I could’ve done without it.”_ **

_Kenma’s company had launched last week, and he had flown out to Argentina two days prior. In a drunken state Kuroo had found himself in front of Tsukki’s apartment. Not even managing to knock, he simply banged his forehead on the door twice and then slid his back down and sat on the floor with his back against the entrance._

_As soon as Tsukki opened the door thirty seconds later, Kuroo’s body crashed onto the floor with a loud thud. He had already passed out and was drooling down the side of his face. Tsukki sighed heavily and proceeded to drag the tall man’s body into his apartment. Taking off Kuroo’s shoes, Tsukki proceeded to once again drag him into the middle of the floor, he knew he was too heavy for Tsukki to lift onto the bed. He placed a cushion under his head and covered him with a blanket, leaving his slumbering in the middle of the floor._

_At 2am when Tsukishima was in the middle of writing his paper on economic policies in Fascist Italy, Kuroo awoke, chipper as ever. He crawled his way over to sit behind Tsukki and rested his chin on his shoulder, peering over at the laptop in front._

_“Do you mind telling me why you’re here Tetsurou?” Tsukishima inquired._

_“I wanted to see you Kei,” Kuroo breathed seductively against Tsukki’s neck, the sound of his given name made his mind race as he was still drunk but much more sober than before. He tentatively placed a kiss on the blondes neck._

_“Kuroo what are you-“ His words were interrupted by Kuroo’s lips pressing against his, his tongue slipping into the others mouth, biting his tongue gently._

_To that, Tsukki pulled in closer, deepening the kiss. Kuroo smirked and bit Tsukki’s lip hard, making the latter let out a quiet moan which was drowned in the heated kiss._

_Kuroo’s hand made it’s way down to the blondes thigh, caressing it as he moved closer and closer to the hardening bulge underneath the black shorts. One of Tsukki’s hands was gripping Kuroo’s hair tightly, while the other was snaking its way underneath Kuroo’s navy sweatshirt._

_They got too carried away and tumbled over, Kuroo’s body towering over Tsukki’s, with his knee pushing against Kuroo’s own bulging member, throbbing under his sweatpants._

_Staring at each other for a moment, Kuroo cautiously removed Tsukki’s glasses and placed them on the table behind them. Turning back round he was met with the taste of mint and green tea as Tsukki’s lips came crashing onto his, his hands pulling off his top and turning them over so he was over Kuroo._

_Leaving a trail of hickey’s down his chest and abs, Tsukki made his way down to Kuroo’s pants, by raising his hips, Tsukki easily slid off both the sweatpants and underwear Kuroo had on, exposing his erect dripping cock. He placed it on his tongue and started immersing it in his mouth._

_Kuroo’s moans began to get louder and more sporadic as Tsukki’s pace increased. Kuroo grabbed fistfuls of blonde hair, bucking his hips harder into his mouth, “Ken- Kei” he exclaimed as he came._

_Kuroo had almost said Kenma’s name at that very point in time, Tsukki didn’t seem to notice as he went in the bathroom looking for condoms. The only thought running through Kuroo’s mind at that point was the utter devastation of giving into his temptation and betraying Kenma like that._

_The pleasure and momentum had been lost, and Kuroo’s thrusting hips against Tsukki’s bare rear were more mechanical and lacking emotion._

_It was sad. The whole thing was supposed to make Kuroo feel better, but it was just sad._

_When Kuroo woke up the next morning, Tsukki’s face gleaming with the morning sunlight, he decided to pour his love into this man in front of him, focusing on him instead of Kenma. To pass the time at least._

_Somehow the feeling of love became real, but not true. Forced. The forced love Kuroo created was like a seed, growing in him and blooming into poison ivy, engulfing his entirety and poisoning every inch of his being._

“Tsukki what- I”

**_“I can’t love you anymore. I don’t want to force you to love me either.”_ **

After a moment to think, Kuroo finally uttered into the phone, “So Yamaguchi finally confessed to you huh? That’s why you don’t need me anymore.”

**_“Sayonara Kuroo.”_ **

Putting the phone back in his pocket, Kuroo once again stared up at the stars, a single tear streaming down his face.

_We’re all made of starstuff, so why are we so dark inside._

Kuroo walked back inside his apartment to shower, leaving the balcony door wide open.

Kuroo walked from the bathroom to his bed, the water from his hair dripping down on the floor. He fell on his duvet, staring up at the ceiling. The midnight air became colder, making him put on a t-shirt as well as the pair of sleeping shorts he was already wearing. Making sure to leave the front door unlocked, he curled up under the covers waiting for the warmth and her sweet smell of lemon and jasmine that he hoped he would be able to wake up next to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi thanks for waiting for me to finish this chapter, i hope y'all enjoyed it. Next week my plan is to do a chapter of one shots, like just fluff to make time skip faster i guess, if you have any requests or if that doesn't sound good let me know but tbh if its not th next chapter then it will be another one bc it was in my og plan. anyways, its time to watch the new episode of aot so i have to skidaddle ASAP Rocky, anyways girlykins, lysm, until next time xoxo


End file.
